We sat on a bench we’d walked by many times before; my head on his shoulder, his arm around mine. The sun was setting as we sat in silence, the sky turning the same mixture of pink and purple as it had the first time we’d walked there together. We hadn’t been official that first time, just on the cusp of figuring out where we stood with each other, and we looped that lake three times before the cold got to us.

We were on the cusp of something this time, too.

Our conversation the day before had turned serious. We had serious conversations all the time, but that one was unexpected. I had known for a while what I wanted my life to be like, but after I entered that relationship and as time went on, I realized what I wanted and what he wanted were different.

Not bad, just different.

My heart hadn’t been ready to vocalize the differences to him so clearly before then. The unexpected aspect of our conversation meant I didn’t have time to rehearse what I wanted to say; the things that had been running through my head lately came out naturally, his response voluntarily offered, the differences making themselves known.

The next day we agreed to meet at the lake again. Walking around felt like no time passed at all, talking about our days & what happened at work & anything else that didn’t relate to what we knew was coming, but sitting on that bench – it felt like a small eternity.

He rubbed my arm when he felt me shiver. I loved him, but I knew what I wanted. I knew the things we wanted at that time were too different to stay together. I was sad and he let me cry, even though I knew my decision was hurting him.

It’s been years since that day. I wrote Date Yourself well after that relationship ended. I was single when I wrote it, but the principle of putting that mandate into action had been happening well before I entered that relationship and it remained while we dated, too.

You see, “date yourself” isn’t a placeholder way of life until a relationship comes along. It’s an understanding that in order to know myself – both the surface level things (like the way I like my coffee) and the deep heart things (like what problem I want to solve in the world) – I need to make room for intentional time alone.

Time spent taking my journal to a coffee shop, going for a walk along the river, or making dinner at home alone. I indulge in things that make my heart happy, like vanilla lattes, my new favourite songs on repeat, or dancing in the kitchen. Then I encourage myself to think about what life has been like lately, how the Lord has been speaking to me, what emotions I’ve been experiencing or avoiding and – here’s the kicker – why I’ve been feeling those things.

Let’s not confuse this process with navel gazing, though. I don’t spend all day thinking about me and what I want and how my life is going and I don’t recommend you do that, either. It’s important to know what’s on our hearts but it’s more important to act on the things we discover.

Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Really wrestling with what I’m feeling and why, not just acknowledging the existence of emotions, can be hard. It feels so much easier, so much more comfortable, to scroll through Facebook for the seventh time in an hour or open up that Netflix tab or reach for that stash of chocolate than to relive the reason behind why I’m feeling all that stuff in the first place.

Sometimes it’s lovely. The sun is shining, life is going evidently well, and I want to share with everyone how good I’ve got it. Like when I went hunting for the words to describe how I felt waking up every day in my new house in Calgary; I don’t think I’d ever used the word “happy” that many times to describe something before.

Either way it’s necessary. Leaning into the discomfort of feeling things we’d rather not feel and holding those emotions up against the things we know to be true helps lead the way to understanding. Understanding how we react to things, where we want to improve in our lives, and what things set our souls on fire.

That understanding about who I am, who God made me to be, and what I want in life has played a tremendous role in my decision-making process across the board.

Knowing what I wanted didn’t make breaking up with that guy easy, but I knew it needed to happen.

Knowing I trusted the Lord to provide didn’t make leaving my job easy, but I knew my talents needed to be used elsewhere.

Knowing change was necessary to stay away from settling didn’t make moving easy, but I knew my heart needed these wide-open spaces.

The best way I’ve learned to know these things, to know what desires are on my heart, to know what God is speaking into my life no matter my relationship status, is to date myself.

 

xoxox

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