January was 31 days of feeling like all the adulting would never end.

Witnessing friends get married, settling into a new living situation, having conversations showing beautiful maturity, learning to put other people first, experiencing the necessity of extended Apple care.

I guess in reality it won’t ever end since I’m, y’know, an adult.

Both productive & seemingly unproductive, the first month of the year slipped by faster than I like. I wanted to start getting things DONE in 2016. 100% complete. Checked off the to-do list with a flourish & celebratory dance party in the kitchen with or without whiskey in hand depending on the time of day.

Some things on the list were completed, like (finally) hiring a bookkeeper! Yay!! Some things were completed that I didn’t think would happen in January, like selling my car! Also yay!!

Some things sorta happened but didn’t quuuuite get followed through all the way because of all the excuses I let masquerade as reasons. Organizing “the office” turned into a bigger project than I anticipated (if you had seen it before… oy with the poodles already), but it’s almost done. The boxes of stuff that need to be donated just need to… be donated.

And ya know what?

It has been incredibly hard watching people accomplish so much more than me this year.

In reality I have done lots. The amount that I packed into January would make any carry-on-only traveller proud. At the end of the day I know my worth does not lie in what I have or haven’t checked off on a list of my own making… but it has been hard feeling my heart fall into comparison mode more times than I’d like to admit. It’s messy and uncomfortable and leaves me indubitably melancholic.

(I’ve found my general cure for this to be a mixture of putting pen to paper, making sure I get my butt to confession, and saying yes to time with friends cause loneliness does not aid in the battle against comparison, mmk.)

Today, the first of this new month, I am resolving to be better.

Not necessarily to do more or try check more things off the list, but to be better at choosing God first. It probably means going to bed earlier, saying yes to a little more structure, intentionally leaving wide margins in my day… And I’m looking forward to the change it’s going to bring in my heart.

Carry on with all the growing up, February. I think I’m ready.

Photo cred: Kaihla Tonai

 

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